Update? OMGNOWAII

Honestly, I am so fucking angry and hurt it isn’t even funny. More angry than anything else, right now, though. You want to know why?

Well, I had a girlfriend, who we decided to take a break from. Pretty much the last things that were said to one another was that it was JUST a break, and that she wasn’t going to get over me, and that I just had to move closer (which I’m going to, btw, since I decided to go to college up there), and that she was upset, but she still loved me, and that wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. It was just painful for her because we were far away.

Okay, that’s nice. It was painful for me too, but okay. Just gotta move closer right? Well, I got into my college, not that it matters, and lucky to fucking GOD that I didn’t just choose the school to be closer to her. I mean, I love the school—it doesn’t have EVERYTHING that I want, but it’s small, with a great campus, and is far enough away from home that I don’t have to worry. So, I got into that school.

Well, so I haven’t really talked to her for a while, either. Now, the only reason I haven’t ever chatted with her was because she’s always had her away message up. And she said before that she never wants to im people when their message is up, because it’s bad, or something, so I figured she felt the same way about herself, so I respected that, and haven’t talked to her for a while because of it.

Now, I should’ve known then. I should’ve known that I was being stupid amounts of hopeful. But, well, I trusted her words and everything.

So, the other night, I find out, that she has a boyfriend. Okay, that’s really ironic. Some chicks have the problem of turning their boys gay. I have the problem, where I turned my ex-girlfriend straight? Honestly, that makes me laugh my fucking ass off, even though it’s a bit painful. I still get giggles out of it. I have a fucking WARPED sense of humor.

Okay, so what ever happened to the ‘I don’t get over people quick’? That was pretty damn quick, if you ask me. Then again, I have the stupid fksing tendency that when I fall in love, I fall in love for, uhm, ever?

I also have bad luck with lovers, but let’s not go there.

The thing that bothers me the most, is how I was completely wound up around her little finger, and how she never SAID anything. Yeah, I didn’t find out from the girl who I loved, which would have been one thing. Honestly, if she had just said ‘oh, man, Ael, honey, I’m sorry, but I’ve found someone that I like, who isn’t you. Lets still be friends?’ –well, the last time she said that, she stopped talking to me, but hey, it’s the thought that counts. Or even if she didn’t say that part, and didn’t lead me to believe that we were going to get back together, and just let me down herself, earlier, it wouldn’t have been so bad.

But, she didn’t. I found out from a mutual friend.

Now, I know I wasn’t the greatest lover, but I tried my best. When she said that she didn’t like certain parts of me, I worked to change them. Because, well, that’s what Ael’s do. When I made a mistake, I apologized, and tried to make it right. When I got mad, or was annoyed, I would try to talk about it, not yell at the other party, and get pissed at them, even when they apologized and tried to make it better. Because, people make mistakes. People make a lot of mistakes. I get that. Like I said, I know I wasn’t the greatest, but I worked my hardest and tried to be a good friend and a lover. But even if I didn’t succeed in that, I wish she would have told me.

I guess that’s what really upsets me. Is that I was the last to know. I mean, I should have guessed, but the last time I made a guess, she got mad at me, so this time I kinda just said to myself ‘shut up, and trust’. Bad idea, should’ve asked. I was a fool.

I wouldn’t be so angry, or so upset if she even talked to me after and was just like ‘Ael, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But I really like this guy, and well, I’m sorry’. I would have just been like ‘oh Jeeze, this sucks, but, uhm, okay. Good luck.’ I would still be upset, but if there was some communication, or apology, the I wouldn’t mind so much. I am only an Ael, and as an Ael I have an amazing capacity for forgiveness. I can still be upset or angry or whatever, but I’ll usually be okay if you apologize to me.

I’m totally asking her about it, too, because I really want to know what the hell she was thinking. *shrugs* *Sighs*

So, this angst, combined with the angst of AnimeBoston + the ditching of the friend twice, and the angst with another friend, is all wicked shitty, but the shit hitting the fan bigtime usually comes in threes. So I cross my fingers, knock on wood, and hope to god it’s over. I’ve gotten really optimistic since I read something from my teacher, which really helped change how I looked on the world. I mean, I still get sad and angry, but so long as I keep knowing things will get over soon, I’ll be okay. Just have to let the anger and heartbreak pass, ryte?

In other news, this whole jumbly mess has caused a severe case of artblock in the worst kind of way. I’m half dead, when it comes to anything artistic, if not more than half dead. ><;;;

But, yeah, I needed a good rant. =\

@_@

I’m starting to feel more and more lonely. I guess the loneliness factor of my life was okay there for a while. I mean, I was more or less fine with things. I got hit with a rush of it though recently. Guess it’s because of an ex-friend, really. She…. Well, she was lying about me to friends of hers, and telling me off in all sorts of ways, in front of the inter-webs. She said that I was doing a bunch o’ shit she was doing, and well, I’m really not sad about it, just angry. I’m pissed that this has happened again. I’m sick of friends that I get close to, leave. I’m pissed that she knew exactly what to say and how to say it, to make it hurt, and she said it. And I’m furious that she’s saying I do all this shit, when I don’t, and when she does all that shit to me, and I put up with it and still am friendly to her.

But that really pushed me back to where I’m missing my ex. A lot. It’s funny because she’s been busy, and I haven’t talked to her for I think three months. She has an away message up always, so I figure she doesn’t want to talk to anyone (since that’s her view on away messages, I believe). It’s been so long since we talked, and we used to talk all the time. I miss that. I still love her to pieces, not that it really matters. *chuckles* And, recently I could think about her with being all okay, and right now I’m just…. Gyah. It’s not working nicely. I hate it. And, a friend’s words go through my head when I think about it, and I can’t help but hope, and I feel like a stupid puppy. I don’t know what will happen with this situation, and not knowing hurts worse and longer than knowing. It’s like a constant grating against my skin. It just hurts. But it had been really okay for a while. But, damnit, when I love, I love for a damn long time. *grumbles* I just wish it would stop, but I totally know it won’t.

Maybe it’s because I’m moving about an hour away from her soon. I’m going up hella close, for college, and I just… hoped that would change something, like it was said it would. But, I know things change. But, I still hope, because that’s what Yami’s do. Because, I just can’t let go when there’s hope. And, I’m pretty accepting right now, to that, I just don’t like the lonely feeling I’m getting with everything going on.

It’s been a week of death for me, too…. I’ve been studying for AP English, struggling to get an AP studio art 2-d design portfolio together, and then took both of the tests, finished my senior expedition thoroughly, got into college, spent all my money getting high-school shit that I needed, birthday presents, and Mother’s day presents. I still have one more birthday present to get for this month, and I have NO money for it. *head desk* I’ll come up with something, though, if I have to work my ass off, which I’ve been doing an awful lot lately, but I have till the 15th to really think of something good…. I need to sleep… but I want to finish something I drew for my comic, www.ainotenshi.smackjeeves.com No freaking comment on the name, if you can understand it. It was the third goddamn thing I could think of, in hopes that no one could understand it. My last two ideas got nixed in the worse kind of way. orz;;; And, actually it’s a bad translation anyway, it should be Tenshi no Ai, but ai no tenshi sounded better…. OTL;;;

Gods, I can’t wait to be in college. @_@

Exhausted

Ah, blogger. Long time no see. How I miss you. I think. Things have been going okay, I suppose.

I mean, I was in a play and it went super well. I mean, like really, really well. We completely nailed it, and when things happened that weren't supposed to, there was improve enough to pull it the hell off. It was so good. That was the first real time in my life that I ever felt as if I were a part of something--that I felt like I belonged truly and utterly. I mean, in New York I got that feeling, that that was the place I truly wanted to be, that that was what I needed, but that feeling was fleeting, as it was over so quickly, and home jarred reality back into my brain. Of course, home is jarring reality back into my head now too, but I feel.... I feel almost like an okay person at my school. I feel almost like I'm not disliked as greatly as I was before and stuff... I miss drama like all hell. I loved that, and it was something that I did right, or at least as right as I'm able to do something. It made me feel alive, and I miss that.

Also, the yearbook, which I've been devoting my time to feverishly, has been completed, and it's all submitted and everything. It's pretty awesome. I did a lot of the photography and art for it, and that makes me a bit happy. I had to go around stealing people's pictures, stay after school once to take pictures of Ultimate Frisbee (which is awesome to photograph by the way, I'm probably going to be watching the game that's tomorrow, to photograph and stuff). I love getting the still action shots, because some of them just... rock.

And, now I'm going to be devoting my time, I think, to prom planning, and photography, and my senior expedition, more than ever. I guess I'm forcing myself into business so that I don't think. Because thinking is one of them things I do too much.

I mean, there's not many problems at the moment, but some of them get me really down, and others are just so damn big they crave to be all consuming. I suppose one of the things that's still got me hurting is my ex. I miss her a lot, and just wish we could talk like we used to. She's been busy as hell and stuff, but I know she talks to other people, and stuff, and my greatest fear is loosing people/ rejection, so I've kinda already been rejected once, and I don't want to IM her when she's away or nothing. And, I ain't good on the phone. I ain't gonna get over her, that's pretty damn clear to me, because though I tried to, it didn't work. At all. So, I guess I just need to wait... It's hard, though, 'cause we used to talk every day, and now... It's been over a month since we really talked... I think even over two. I dun remember, and I dun really want to. Then there's also the matter of a few other people, who just... I don't know what's wrong with me, and why I attract people who just lie and kick me while I'm down. I mean, I have people I talk to, but we don't talk much, and that's sad, but I can deal and stuff. But, the people who get really close, just seem to all turn their backs on me. Kinda funny and ironic really.

And, pardon my typing going into a slight version of lower city. I've been writing my novel a lot, and having to type like Blair thinks is really getting to my head. He grew up on his own, in the streets of a town in Amadueus, so he's super lower-city, and speaks the language with the ain'ts and all.

I'm actually working on getting this dang thing published. I'm revising it first, of course, and then I'm planning on sending it out and stuff. My English teacher is helping me out, as sort of an ILO ('Independent Learning Opportunity') I can't wait until it's done.

Also, Corambis, the last novel in Sarah Monette's Doctrine of Labyrinths, series came out on the seventh, and I got it yesterday at around seven. I barely read today, since when I came home, almost immediately I took a nap, 'cause I was so damn tired. But, it's good. It's fsking good. I hope it stays good, though i doubt that'd be a problem. I am such a fucking book lover.

But, I guess that's it for now. I wanted to talk, and get a few things off my chest. Which are still kinda there, and I kinda wanna poke at them, but I ain't gonna, 'cause that would probably be stupid.

I think I'm gonna go to sleep now. I'm still so freaking exhausted.

New Trimester

Ah. Today was the day of the new trimester. The last trimester of my senior year. Scary shit that is. Soon I'll be in college. And, then in school again. I guess I hate change a lot. And, so I want to become a teacher. I can't think of life without school. I love it too much. I mean, waking up at six in the morning kind of sucks, but I love school, and I want to help change peoples lives. I've really wanted to be a teacher for years now, and I'm going to do it, I think. =) Except I'm going to be an art teacher, of, hopefully, high-school. I hate children, so I couldn't imagine teaching anyone younger than high-schoolers! Teachers get okay pay too. They get a little bit above minimum wage. So first I have to master studio arts, and then I take a test, and get a teacher's certificate!

But yeah, there was the usual new trimester hub-bub. xD My school is so fsking new, it's still figuring out shit, so every time we go to a new trimester, the whole thing gets screwed up! I have a lot of water in my personality, a lot of it, so I kind of just go with the flow and laugh while everyone gets so pissed off. I freak out too when my schedule's screwed up, but I go to where I think I belong and deal with the problems when I need to. I'm very good at adjusting that kind of way. But this trimester's exciting and so short. ;; Seniors leave early, not that I'm following that rule. >>; I'm staying until school's actually out. For everybody.

The summer's coming and I'm totally dreading it. I know things are going to happen, I can see it all happening, and I'm going to ignore it. I'm going to try getting things out of my system. I don't want to think about problems. So I'm going to try not to.

Though, I have to say, I'm very resistant to big change. College won't be a problem adjusting to, I don't think. Not as much of a problem as loosing parts of myself, or dealing with other parts of my life. I can't wait. I don't know where I'm going. No college has gotten back to me yet. xP But, I'll take it as it comes.

My savior the last day and today has been Code Geass, I'd have to say. It's really good for cheering me up. It draws me in and gets my heart pumping. I wish I had a Geass, like Lelouch. It would be very useful. But I'd probably only use it once, on myself. Even with giant fighting robots, I love this anime, which means a lot, considering I HATE mecha with a fiery burning passion. Though, I'm completely okay with it in this anime.

What sucked though is that I downloaded season one and I FINALLY finished downloading it after two days... and it was all in Japanese... WITH NO ENGLISH SUBTITLES. Okay, my japanese is better than a lot of americans, but it's not THAT good. Hell it downright sucks. @x@;;;

But, that's besides the point. I'm getting better with my japanese, and I'm damn determined to learn. Even if I can barely speak english correctly. >.<

Things to do tomorrow include getting a japanese book to learn, working on my manga, practicing plays, and erm, yah.

Day after Pi

So, things have been going hard. I guess the main part of the hardness is due to a lot of heartache. I lost my girlfriend a while back, because she couldn’t stand the distance, and I miss her a lot. She said we could still be friends, but I don’t think that’s happening. I don’t think that’s happening mainly because she hasn’t been speaking to me. At all. It sucks major ass, because I miss her a lot, and well, no contact just hurts more and more. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, though. I’m clinging to the hope that she’ll get back together with me, if I get up to school near her. I’m clinging to that hope because she said she would, but I just don’t know… She says a lot of things, but she ends up not doing them, you know? It’s sad, and I miss her so much. *sighs* I just wish we could still talk like we used to.

This really wears on me. I guess I needed to get it off my chest, though.

In other news I’ve been watching Code Geass nearly non-stop since yesterday. It’s a good anime. I suppose I should get back to it. I have a feeling it’s going to have a bad ending though…. =\

*ponders* I wonder if anyone actually reads this blog.

Help

Alright, guys. I'm in a wicked bad bind. I need to somehow make 200 dollars as soon as possible (really before the month ends). I'm fucked if I don't manage to pay that to my dad, as I have no idea what'll happen if I don't. But, considering his reaction when I told him my money was going to come a month late... it's not going to be good. At all. Period. =\

So, please, help. Commission me? I'll do anything you guys want. Anything goes. Pricing is negotiable. Every little bit helps. And, for anyone who knows me as a writer, I'm willing to write any kind of mini story. Chapters of old stories, new stories or whatever. Anything, really, again.

Every little bit helps.

Chibi Sketch: $3
Chibi Line Arts: $3
Colored Chibi: $5

Headshot Sketch: $3
Headshot Line Art: $4
Headshot Color: $5

Bust Sketch: $4
Bust Line Arts: $6
Bust Color: $8

Full Body Sketch: $7
Full Body Line Arts: $8
Full Body Color: $10

Each additional character added: $5

If you want realism, I'm willing to do that too.

For my art (my older art, but oh well) my art DA is www.yaminomitsukai.deviantart.com

Thanks you guys.

CcocOoooollld.

Ugh. Okay, the past two days have been absolute HELL. I had to spend a hundred dollars to save myself a seat at Hallmark Institute of Photography. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to go, but I still had to pay. And, I HATE spending money. ><; Direly. I don't have much to spend in the first place. But, it wasn't the spending that bothered me as much as the shit my parents pulled on me when I had to spend it. They don't want me to become a photographer or an artist. Well, they did get an earful yesterday when I told them that I was going to become an artist, and that their words didn't scare me anymore. My dad was livid, but I'm sick of living in fear. I'm gonna do it. *sighs* I want to do it. But, yeah, I was going to leave to the post office and my dad said if I left I wasn't coming back. I don't know what would have happened to me if he'd kept to that word, but I left anyway. The post office was too near closing for me to do otherwise.

It's been a superbly busy week though, other than that. And, I haven't even gotten all of what I need done done. @_@;;; And, I've been sooooo tired lately. Everything's just been going by with me moving more and more sluggish every minute. Especially with the cold.... It's FREEZING. Our heat is fucked up or something, because I'm under blankets and sweaters and warm laptop body power cord things, and I'm still freeeeeezing. @_@;;;

And, uh, yea....... I's gonna go now. ><;;; *curls under blankets more*