Update? OMGNOWAII

Honestly, I am so fucking angry and hurt it isn’t even funny. More angry than anything else, right now, though. You want to know why?

Well, I had a girlfriend, who we decided to take a break from. Pretty much the last things that were said to one another was that it was JUST a break, and that she wasn’t going to get over me, and that I just had to move closer (which I’m going to, btw, since I decided to go to college up there), and that she was upset, but she still loved me, and that wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. It was just painful for her because we were far away.

Okay, that’s nice. It was painful for me too, but okay. Just gotta move closer right? Well, I got into my college, not that it matters, and lucky to fucking GOD that I didn’t just choose the school to be closer to her. I mean, I love the school—it doesn’t have EVERYTHING that I want, but it’s small, with a great campus, and is far enough away from home that I don’t have to worry. So, I got into that school.

Well, so I haven’t really talked to her for a while, either. Now, the only reason I haven’t ever chatted with her was because she’s always had her away message up. And she said before that she never wants to im people when their message is up, because it’s bad, or something, so I figured she felt the same way about herself, so I respected that, and haven’t talked to her for a while because of it.

Now, I should’ve known then. I should’ve known that I was being stupid amounts of hopeful. But, well, I trusted her words and everything.

So, the other night, I find out, that she has a boyfriend. Okay, that’s really ironic. Some chicks have the problem of turning their boys gay. I have the problem, where I turned my ex-girlfriend straight? Honestly, that makes me laugh my fucking ass off, even though it’s a bit painful. I still get giggles out of it. I have a fucking WARPED sense of humor.

Okay, so what ever happened to the ‘I don’t get over people quick’? That was pretty damn quick, if you ask me. Then again, I have the stupid fksing tendency that when I fall in love, I fall in love for, uhm, ever?

I also have bad luck with lovers, but let’s not go there.

The thing that bothers me the most, is how I was completely wound up around her little finger, and how she never SAID anything. Yeah, I didn’t find out from the girl who I loved, which would have been one thing. Honestly, if she had just said ‘oh, man, Ael, honey, I’m sorry, but I’ve found someone that I like, who isn’t you. Lets still be friends?’ –well, the last time she said that, she stopped talking to me, but hey, it’s the thought that counts. Or even if she didn’t say that part, and didn’t lead me to believe that we were going to get back together, and just let me down herself, earlier, it wouldn’t have been so bad.

But, she didn’t. I found out from a mutual friend.

Now, I know I wasn’t the greatest lover, but I tried my best. When she said that she didn’t like certain parts of me, I worked to change them. Because, well, that’s what Ael’s do. When I made a mistake, I apologized, and tried to make it right. When I got mad, or was annoyed, I would try to talk about it, not yell at the other party, and get pissed at them, even when they apologized and tried to make it better. Because, people make mistakes. People make a lot of mistakes. I get that. Like I said, I know I wasn’t the greatest, but I worked my hardest and tried to be a good friend and a lover. But even if I didn’t succeed in that, I wish she would have told me.

I guess that’s what really upsets me. Is that I was the last to know. I mean, I should have guessed, but the last time I made a guess, she got mad at me, so this time I kinda just said to myself ‘shut up, and trust’. Bad idea, should’ve asked. I was a fool.

I wouldn’t be so angry, or so upset if she even talked to me after and was just like ‘Ael, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But I really like this guy, and well, I’m sorry’. I would have just been like ‘oh Jeeze, this sucks, but, uhm, okay. Good luck.’ I would still be upset, but if there was some communication, or apology, the I wouldn’t mind so much. I am only an Ael, and as an Ael I have an amazing capacity for forgiveness. I can still be upset or angry or whatever, but I’ll usually be okay if you apologize to me.

I’m totally asking her about it, too, because I really want to know what the hell she was thinking. *shrugs* *Sighs*

So, this angst, combined with the angst of AnimeBoston + the ditching of the friend twice, and the angst with another friend, is all wicked shitty, but the shit hitting the fan bigtime usually comes in threes. So I cross my fingers, knock on wood, and hope to god it’s over. I’ve gotten really optimistic since I read something from my teacher, which really helped change how I looked on the world. I mean, I still get sad and angry, but so long as I keep knowing things will get over soon, I’ll be okay. Just have to let the anger and heartbreak pass, ryte?

In other news, this whole jumbly mess has caused a severe case of artblock in the worst kind of way. I’m half dead, when it comes to anything artistic, if not more than half dead. ><;;;

But, yeah, I needed a good rant. =\