Yamino's Adventures

Update? OMGNOWAII

2009-05-17T13:34:00.001-04:00

Honestly, I am so fucking angry and hurt it isn’t even funny. More angry than anything else, right now, though. You want to know why?

Well, I had a girlfriend, who we decided to take a break from. Pretty much the last things that were said to one another was that it was JUST a break, and that she wasn’t going to get over me, and that I just had to move closer (which I’m going to, btw, since I decided to go to college up there), and that she was upset, but she still loved me, and that wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. It was just painful for her because we were far away.

Okay, that’s nice. It was painful for me too, but okay. Just gotta move closer right? Well, I got into my college, not that it matters, and lucky to fucking GOD that I didn’t just choose the school to be closer to her. I mean, I love the school—it doesn’t have EVERYTHING that I want, but it’s small, with a great campus, and is far enough away from home that I don’t have to worry. So, I got into that school.

Well, so I haven’t really talked to her for a while, either. Now, the only reason I haven’t ever chatted with her was because she’s always had her away message up. And she said before that she never wants to im people when their message is up, because it’s bad, or something, so I figured she felt the same way about herself, so I respected that, and haven’t talked to her for a while because of it.

Now, I should’ve known then. I should’ve known that I was being stupid amounts of hopeful. But, well, I trusted her words and everything.

So, the other night, I find out, that she has a boyfriend. Okay, that’s really ironic. Some chicks have the problem of turning their boys gay. I have the problem, where I turned my ex-girlfriend straight? Honestly, that makes me laugh my fucking ass off, even though it’s a bit painful. I still get giggles out of it. I have a fucking WARPED sense of humor.

Okay, so what ever happened to the ‘I don’t get over people quick’? That was pretty damn quick, if you ask me. Then again, I have the stupid fksing tendency that when I fall in love, I fall in love for, uhm, ever?

I also have bad luck with lovers, but let’s not go there.

The thing that bothers me the most, is how I was completely wound up around her little finger, and how she never SAID anything. Yeah, I didn’t find out from the girl who I loved, which would have been one thing. Honestly, if she had just said ‘oh, man, Ael, honey, I’m sorry, but I’ve found someone that I like, who isn’t you. Lets still be friends?’ –well, the last time she said that, she stopped talking to me, but hey, it’s the thought that counts. Or even if she didn’t say that part, and didn’t lead me to believe that we were going to get back together, and just let me down herself, earlier, it wouldn’t have been so bad.

But, she didn’t. I found out from a mutual friend.

Now, I know I wasn’t the greatest lover, but I tried my best. When she said that she didn’t like certain parts of me, I worked to change them. Because, well, that’s what Ael’s do. When I made a mistake, I apologized, and tried to make it right. When I got mad, or was annoyed, I would try to talk about it, not yell at the other party, and get pissed at them, even when they apologized and tried to make it better. Because, people make mistakes. People make a lot of mistakes. I get that. Like I said, I know I wasn’t the greatest, but I worked my hardest and tried to be a good friend and a lover. But even if I didn’t succeed in that, I wish she would have told me.

I guess that’s what really upsets me. Is that I was the last to know. I mean, I should have guessed, but the last time I made a guess, she got mad at me, so this time I kinda just said to myself ‘shut up, and trust’. Bad idea, should’ve asked. I was a fool.

I wouldn’t be so angry, or so upset if she even talked to me after and was just like ‘Ael, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But I really like this guy, and well, I’m sorry’. I would have just been like ‘oh Jeeze, this sucks, but, uhm, okay. Good luck.’ I would still be upset, but if there was some communication, or apology, the I wouldn’t mind so much. I am only an Ael, and as an Ael I have an amazing capacity for forgiveness. I can still be upset or angry or whatever, but I’ll usually be okay if you apologize to me.

I’m totally asking her about it, too, because I really want to know what the hell she was thinking. *shrugs* *Sighs*

So, this angst, combined with the angst of AnimeBoston + the ditching of the friend twice, and the angst with another friend, is all wicked shitty, but the shit hitting the fan bigtime usually comes in threes. So I cross my fingers, knock on wood, and hope to god it’s over. I’ve gotten really optimistic since I read something from my teacher, which really helped change how I looked on the world. I mean, I still get sad and angry, but so long as I keep knowing things will get over soon, I’ll be okay. Just have to let the anger and heartbreak pass, ryte?

In other news, this whole jumbly mess has caused a severe case of artblock in the worst kind of way. I’m half dead, when it comes to anything artistic, if not more than half dead. ><;;;

But, yeah, I needed a good rant. =\

@_@

2009-05-08T17:36:00.001-04:00

I’m starting to feel more and more lonely. I guess the loneliness factor of my life was okay there for a while. I mean, I was more or less fine with things. I got hit with a rush of it though recently. Guess it’s because of an ex-friend, really. She…. Well, she was lying about me to friends of hers, and telling me off in all sorts of ways, in front of the inter-webs. She said that I was doing a bunch o’ shit she was doing, and well, I’m really not sad about it, just angry. I’m pissed that this has happened again. I’m sick of friends that I get close to, leave. I’m pissed that she knew exactly what to say and how to say it, to make it hurt, and she said it. And I’m furious that she’s saying I do all this shit, when I don’t, and when she does all that shit to me, and I put up with it and still am friendly to her.

But that really pushed me back to where I’m missing my ex. A lot. It’s funny because she’s been busy, and I haven’t talked to her for I think three months. She has an away message up always, so I figure she doesn’t want to talk to anyone (since that’s her view on away messages, I believe). It’s been so long since we talked, and we used to talk all the time. I miss that. I still love her to pieces, not that it really matters. *chuckles* And, recently I could think about her with being all okay, and right now I’m just…. Gyah. It’s not working nicely. I hate it. And, a friend’s words go through my head when I think about it, and I can’t help but hope, and I feel like a stupid puppy. I don’t know what will happen with this situation, and not knowing hurts worse and longer than knowing. It’s like a constant grating against my skin. It just hurts. But it had been really okay for a while. But, damnit, when I love, I love for a damn long time. *grumbles* I just wish it would stop, but I totally know it won’t.

Maybe it’s because I’m moving about an hour away from her soon. I’m going up hella close, for college, and I just… hoped that would change something, like it was said it would. But, I know things change. But, I still hope, because that’s what Yami’s do. Because, I just can’t let go when there’s hope. And, I’m pretty accepting right now, to that, I just don’t like the lonely feeling I’m getting with everything going on.

It’s been a week of death for me, too…. I’ve been studying for AP English, struggling to get an AP studio art 2-d design portfolio together, and then took both of the tests, finished my senior expedition thoroughly, got into college, spent all my money getting high-school shit that I needed, birthday presents, and Mother’s day presents. I still have one more birthday present to get for this month, and I have NO money for it. *head desk* I’ll come up with something, though, if I have to work my ass off, which I’ve been doing an awful lot lately, but I have till the 15th to really think of something good…. I need to sleep… but I want to finish something I drew for my comic, www.ainotenshi.smackjeeves.com No freaking comment on the name, if you can understand it. It was the third goddamn thing I could think of, in hopes that no one could understand it. My last two ideas got nixed in the worse kind of way. orz;;; And, actually it’s a bad translation anyway, it should be Tenshi no Ai, but ai no tenshi sounded better…. OTL;;;

Gods, I can’t wait to be in college. @_@

Exhausted

2009-04-09T21:17:00.002-04:00

Ah, blogger. Long time no see. How I miss you. I think. Things have been going okay, I suppose.

I mean, I was in a play and it went super well. I mean, like really, really well. We completely nailed it, and when things happened that weren't supposed to, there was improve enough to pull it the hell off. It was so good. That was the first real time in my life that I ever felt as if I were a part of something--that I felt like I belonged truly and utterly. I mean, in New York I got that feeling, that that was the place I truly wanted to be, that that was what I needed, but that feeling was fleeting, as it was over so quickly, and home jarred reality back into my brain. Of course, home is jarring reality back into my head now too, but I feel.... I feel almost like an okay person at my school. I feel almost like I'm not disliked as greatly as I was before and stuff... I miss drama like all hell. I loved that, and it was something that I did right, or at least as right as I'm able to do something. It made me feel alive, and I miss that.

Also, the yearbook, which I've been devoting my time to feverishly, has been completed, and it's all submitted and everything. It's pretty awesome. I did a lot of the photography and art for it, and that makes me a bit happy. I had to go around stealing people's pictures, stay after school once to take pictures of Ultimate Frisbee (which is awesome to photograph by the way, I'm probably going to be watching the game that's tomorrow, to photograph and stuff). I love getting the still action shots, because some of them just... rock.

And, now I'm going to be devoting my time, I think, to prom planning, and photography, and my senior expedition, more than ever. I guess I'm forcing myself into business so that I don't think. Because thinking is one of them things I do too much.

I mean, there's not many problems at the moment, but some of them get me really down, and others are just so damn big they crave to be all consuming. I suppose one of the things that's still got me hurting is my ex. I miss her a lot, and just wish we could talk like we used to. She's been busy as hell and stuff, but I know she talks to other people, and stuff, and my greatest fear is loosing people/ rejection, so I've kinda already been rejected once, and I don't want to IM her when she's away or nothing. And, I ain't good on the phone. I ain't gonna get over her, that's pretty damn clear to me, because though I tried to, it didn't work. At all. So, I guess I just need to wait... It's hard, though, 'cause we used to talk every day, and now... It's been over a month since we really talked... I think even over two. I dun remember, and I dun really want to. Then there's also the matter of a few other people, who just... I don't know what's wrong with me, and why I attract people who just lie and kick me while I'm down. I mean, I have people I talk to, but we don't talk much, and that's sad, but I can deal and stuff. But, the people who get really close, just seem to all turn their backs on me. Kinda funny and ironic really.

And, pardon my typing going into a slight version of lower city. I've been writing my novel a lot, and having to type like Blair thinks is really getting to my head. He grew up on his own, in the streets of a town in Amadueus, so he's super lower-city, and speaks the language with the ain'ts and all.

I'm actually working on getting this dang thing published. I'm revising it first, of course, and then I'm planning on sending it out and stuff. My English teacher is helping me out, as sort of an ILO ('Independent Learning Opportunity') I can't wait until it's done.

Also, Corambis, the last novel in Sarah Monette's Doctrine of Labyrinths, series came out on the seventh, and I got it yesterday at around seven. I barely read today, since when I came home, almost immediately I took a nap, 'cause I was so damn tired. But, it's good. It's fsking good. I hope it stays good, though i doubt that'd be a problem. I am such a fucking book lover.

But, I guess that's it for now. I wanted to talk, and get a few things off my chest. Which are still kinda there, and I kinda wanna poke at them, but I ain't gonna, 'cause that would probably be stupid.

I think I'm gonna go to sleep now. I'm still so freaking exhausted.

New Trimester

2009-03-16T18:30:00.002-04:00

Ah. Today was the day of the new trimester. The last trimester of my senior year. Scary shit that is. Soon I'll be in college. And, then in school again. I guess I hate change a lot. And, so I want to become a teacher. I can't think of life without school. I love it too much. I mean, waking up at six in the morning kind of sucks, but I love school, and I want to help change peoples lives. I've really wanted to be a teacher for years now, and I'm going to do it, I think. =) Except I'm going to be an art teacher, of, hopefully, high-school. I hate children, so I couldn't imagine teaching anyone younger than high-schoolers! Teachers get okay pay too. They get a little bit above minimum wage. So first I have to master studio arts, and then I take a test, and get a teacher's certificate!

But yeah, there was the usual new trimester hub-bub. xD My school is so fsking new, it's still figuring out shit, so every time we go to a new trimester, the whole thing gets screwed up! I have a lot of water in my personality, a lot of it, so I kind of just go with the flow and laugh while everyone gets so pissed off. I freak out too when my schedule's screwed up, but I go to where I think I belong and deal with the problems when I need to. I'm very good at adjusting that kind of way. But this trimester's exciting and so short. ;; Seniors leave early, not that I'm following that rule. >>; I'm staying until school's actually out. For everybody.

The summer's coming and I'm totally dreading it. I know things are going to happen, I can see it all happening, and I'm going to ignore it. I'm going to try getting things out of my system. I don't want to think about problems. So I'm going to try not to.

Though, I have to say, I'm very resistant to big change. College won't be a problem adjusting to, I don't think. Not as much of a problem as loosing parts of myself, or dealing with other parts of my life. I can't wait. I don't know where I'm going. No college has gotten back to me yet. xP But, I'll take it as it comes.

My savior the last day and today has been Code Geass, I'd have to say. It's really good for cheering me up. It draws me in and gets my heart pumping. I wish I had a Geass, like Lelouch. It would be very useful. But I'd probably only use it once, on myself. Even with giant fighting robots, I love this anime, which means a lot, considering I HATE mecha with a fiery burning passion. Though, I'm completely okay with it in this anime.

What sucked though is that I downloaded season one and I FINALLY finished downloading it after two days... and it was all in Japanese... WITH NO ENGLISH SUBTITLES. Okay, my japanese is better than a lot of americans, but it's not THAT good. Hell it downright sucks. @x@;;;

But, that's besides the point. I'm getting better with my japanese, and I'm damn determined to learn. Even if I can barely speak english correctly. >.<

Things to do tomorrow include getting a japanese book to learn, working on my manga, practicing plays, and erm, yah.

Day after Pi

2009-03-15T15:21:00.001-04:00

So, things have been going hard. I guess the main part of the hardness is due to a lot of heartache. I lost my girlfriend a while back, because she couldn’t stand the distance, and I miss her a lot. She said we could still be friends, but I don’t think that’s happening. I don’t think that’s happening mainly because she hasn’t been speaking to me. At all. It sucks major ass, because I miss her a lot, and well, no contact just hurts more and more. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, though. I’m clinging to the hope that she’ll get back together with me, if I get up to school near her. I’m clinging to that hope because she said she would, but I just don’t know… She says a lot of things, but she ends up not doing them, you know? It’s sad, and I miss her so much. *sighs* I just wish we could still talk like we used to.

This really wears on me. I guess I needed to get it off my chest, though.

In other news I’ve been watching Code Geass nearly non-stop since yesterday. It’s a good anime. I suppose I should get back to it. I have a feeling it’s going to have a bad ending though…. =\

*ponders* I wonder if anyone actually reads this blog.

Help

2009-03-12T07:41:00.000-04:00

Alright, guys. I'm in a wicked bad bind. I need to somehow make 200 dollars as soon as possible (really before the month ends). I'm fucked if I don't manage to pay that to my dad, as I have no idea what'll happen if I don't. But, considering his reaction when I told him my money was going to come a month late... it's not going to be good. At all. Period. =\

So, please, help. Commission me? I'll do anything you guys want. Anything goes. Pricing is negotiable. Every little bit helps. And, for anyone who knows me as a writer, I'm willing to write any kind of mini story. Chapters of old stories, new stories or whatever. Anything, really, again.

Every little bit helps.

Chibi Sketch: $3
Chibi Line Arts: $3
Colored Chibi: $5

Headshot Sketch: $3
Headshot Line Art: $4
Headshot Color: $5

Bust Sketch: $4
Bust Line Arts: $6
Bust Color: $8

Full Body Sketch: $7
Full Body Line Arts: $8
Full Body Color: $10

Each additional character added: $5

If you want realism, I'm willing to do that too.

For my art (my older art, but oh well) my art DA is www.yaminomitsukai.deviantart.com

Thanks you guys.

CcocOoooollld.

2008-12-13T18:50:00.002-05:00

Ugh. Okay, the past two days have been absolute HELL. I had to spend a hundred dollars to save myself a seat at Hallmark Institute of Photography. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to go, but I still had to pay. And, I HATE spending money. ><; Direly. I don't have much to spend in the first place. But, it wasn't the spending that bothered me as much as the shit my parents pulled on me when I had to spend it. They don't want me to become a photographer or an artist. Well, they did get an earful yesterday when I told them that I was going to become an artist, and that their words didn't scare me anymore. My dad was livid, but I'm sick of living in fear. I'm gonna do it. *sighs* I want to do it. But, yeah, I was going to leave to the post office and my dad said if I left I wasn't coming back. I don't know what would have happened to me if he'd kept to that word, but I left anyway. The post office was too near closing for me to do otherwise.

It's been a superbly busy week though, other than that. And, I haven't even gotten all of what I need done done. @_@;;; And, I've been sooooo tired lately. Everything's just been going by with me moving more and more sluggish every minute. Especially with the cold.... It's FREEZING. Our heat is fucked up or something, because I'm under blankets and sweaters and warm laptop body power cord things, and I'm still freeeeeezing. @_@;;;

And, uh, yea....... I's gonna go now. ><;;; *curls under blankets more*

Night of the Shorts

2008-12-09T22:29:00.002-05:00

Ah, today was a busy, busy day; busier than yesterday, which was also pretty damn busy.

Today was our 'Night of the Shorts' aka the night where my school put on the one-act plays that we'd written in drama class. It was... very, very interesting.

First off, the plays themselves were a handful. A lot of them were funny and some were serious, but they were all very good. These plays, however, had to be ordered, acted, prompted, directed, practiced and preformed. This is all very, very hard to do with a short amount of time and being the school that we are.

Next, there was... the theater we were at, and the sets and all those fun things that we take for granted. It was a mad house for the past few days making and/or finishing set pieces, and god I never thought it would end! It was hell trying to figure everything out and then organizing it. x'D We are a very dysfunctional and unorganized school. x'D; I guess that's what's the best (and the worst, I suppose) about us. Plus the theater itself was completely chaotic and pretty much trashed. So we had very little to work with.

So much set-up is required for theater, and it really is hard. Though we had an awesome stage crew (and a few odd members just helping out). So, that made it go smoother than it would have otherwise.

Somehow though, we managed to pull it off. We got everything together, from everyone getting all the wine bottles they could for a certain scene, to nailing the lines wonderfully, to acting amazingly on stage, to seducing people WITH a strait face. It all somehow worked like a puzzle.

It was a great night. We raised 184 dollars in pure donations; it was free admission, though people could donate if they wanted. And, many did. This total amount does not count the money raised by the people from a group that sold food for their group, though it wasn't technically part of our money so it doesn't really matter.

I was everywhere, and then some. I swear, I was running around so much that I had to take my shoes off. I had at least two jobs at once all the time. I was the photographer of the event; the greeter, and one of the people who helped with scene changes (every now and then), setup and cleanup. IT was... pretty intense. Everyone helped so much, with everything. So many people just saw something that needed doing, and did it without being asked. PRetty cool.

It was a good time, despite all the hassle and stress that went on. I enjoyed the plays very much, and seeing the actors and actresses get their lines, get into their rolls. See people who have little confidence, suddenly burst out with everything. It was amazing.

But enough of my odd nonsensical ramblings. I need to go to bed--I was out of the house from seven AM to ten thirty PM without much of a break in activity. I'm sick too. ^^; Needa curl now~ Ja.

Why Me?

2008-11-25T22:49:00.002-05:00

This was not my day. At all.

School was great; a great escape as always. But when I got home, it all went to shit. I'm in trouble for shit I didn't do because I was near passing out, so I didn't think it wise of me to stand. I get yelled at from dad and mom both, and they're thinking of a way to punish me, now. Literally. Can't wait to see what they come up with.

Dad finally ended up bruising me. Barely noticeably for a bruise, but it's about damn time I get marked with something. You see... I don't tend to bruise... at all. It's weird. I've been hit and dragged and shoved and thrown. None of it has bruised me or left any sort of mark. So, it's about damn time I got a mark left on me. o.<;

Heh, dad also was pissed, and nearly got us into two different accidents. One he was tailgating and going fast. He nearly hit the guy in front of us, when that person slowed down for a damn red light. How dare he stop for a red light. The other, and my personal favorite, was when he decided to turn left, while a dozen cars going fifty are rather close to us. So, we turn left, and those cars don't have time to stop. We were nearly hit, and I swear, I nearly pissed myself there. I am not good with cars. I get really freaked out in cars already; so it was so not a good place for the claustrophobic carphobic person to be. Fuck, there's only one person I don't freak out driving with and she's all the way in New York.

And, now I'm sad and wish I was anywhere but here. v.v Anyway, gotta jet, and get some fucking sleep before I can't get up in the morning. Had to rant a bit and get it out of my system so I might be able to have good dreams tonight. =\

Hella Day

2008-11-22T21:49:00.002-05:00

Okay, today's been a day from absolute hell. I spent most of it cleaning my parents' stuff, and getting snapped at about every little thing I did wrong. v.v; It was not fun. I even worked more than the time I needed to, and well... didn't help matters so much. *sigh*

Good thing though is my room is mostly clean. I need to reorganize a few things that are pissing me off, but.... I should be able to to that pretty easily... I hope.

My sister and I were going to go out and see Twilight together because she loves the books as well, and hey, I just wanted to spend time with her and see the movie again, and she canceled on me... So, I ended up going to see Twilight alone. Yes, I have a pathetic life. It was my attempt to cheer myself up again. It kind of worked.... I'm probably going to end up curling up with a book and just reading myself into a stupor. I like reading way too much for my own good. ^^; Reading and writing are what I love to do best. Drawing too, can't forget that; and photography. =3

Oh, and I made myself a... kotatsu. For anyone who doesn't know, a kotatsu is a small Japanese table sort of thing. It usually has a heater underneath for warmth (haven't gotten to that part yet). But, I'm happy with it. I'm using it right now for a sort of drawing desk thing and I use my laptop on it now, since I'm not allowed to use it on the bed any more, don't ask me why.....

Twilight

2008-11-22T00:21:00.003-05:00

Hehe. I went out this evening and saw the Twilight movie. My brain's still processing the fact that 'Oh my god, I just saw one of my favorite books on the big screen' and is on slight over-drive. Plus, It's 12.30 at night. ^^;

None-the-less, my take on it was very good. They managed to pull off the book without too many problems. I liked some of the additions. I think I like... God, I don't know him by anything but Cedric Diggory.... as Edward. He was a good actor for him, though I WISH THEY HADN'T SPIKED HIS HAIR UP! It was so irksome and I wanted to smooth it down. I know his hair was supposed to be messy, but god.... it could at least not stand strait on end. >>; Though for someone who didn't sleep he sure perfected the bed-head look. x'D

I liked most of the actors they chose. Though Charlisle sketched me out. He didn't look friendly; he looked scary. x'D His face was too waxy, and his hair... and.... god. *shudder* He looked so creepy. @_@;;; But, The rest of the actors were good. I loved Alice. I didn't like her lack of showing up, but I liked the actress for her. Bella was good and her dad. I'd say Jacob was good, but I'd rather cut out my own tongue than put Jacob and good in the same sentence. Not that I dislike him or anything. >>; *loathes at*

I'm glad I got to see it. =3 And, I wanna see it again. @w@;;;;

You see, Twilight to me is one of my favorite books. Because it is a book that reminds me of myself. Not through unrequited love... well.... Actually that too, but not my point. It's because I'm working on my own thing kinda like Twilight, called Bell-Academy. And, it's similar, and Stephanie Meyer is similar to me. Waking up one morning with an amazing plot from her dream and then just writing it. I've always wanted to become something like that. I do base some of my Novels on dreams. I'm envious of her, and I respect her greatly. To do what she has done... I just wish I had that. x'D;

Soooo, I recommend Twilight in it's movie form. Great job to the team who worked on it. Some things could be improved, but I liked it all in all. =3 If you don't like romance, don't go for it. If you like it though, it's sweet, and it's wonderful. =3

じゃね～

Blegh

2008-11-18T13:39:00.001-05:00

Hey guys.

Things have been so damn busy since it’s the end of the trimester and stuff, so I haven’t had much time to really write anything but schoolwork and struggle on National Novel Writing Month. Talking about life just takes a lot out of me, I guess. I don’t know.

I’m starting to hate school. With every bit of me. The only classes I enjoy are my two English classes with my favorite teacher. The rest of the classes just… kind of…. Suck for me. Even English is drawing my energy from me like a leech. *sighs* Though not as much so as other classes. Science causes all my energy to just flee from me. History makes me wanna sleep.

People… aren’t being there best right now. I’m doing my best to get along with people, but it all seems to be going down with them. I have one friend who so far hasn’t made me feel like shit in the non-internet world. I don’t see him a lot. The other friend I have who I always hung around before…. She just always talks about this one friend of her. It drives me nuts, because it seems we can’t have a convo without that one friend of her popping up. And, well…. It kinda sucks. Bad.

My love life isn’t doing much better. I won’t talk about that for too long. All I know is I hurt and I’m waiting. Everyone keeps telling me not to wait, and to end the relationship, but I won’t. I’m in love and I don’t want it to end. So, I wait.

My relationship with my parents hasn’t gotten any better. I’m thinking of begging my sister to take me in. But, I don’t want to put pressure on her, because she has such a small amount of money. She already offered, but…. I don’t want to take what little extra money she has left in a month away. v.v

But, anyway, I have two more essays to do before Thursday, a novel to finish writing, and a senior project to do as well. @_@ じゃね。

NaNoWriMo

2008-11-05T21:12:00.000-05:00

Yay, it's that time of year again. NaNoWriMo, AKA National Novel Writing Month, is happening this month, and I've been crazy busy writing, well, a novel in a month. I absolutely hate it, but I'm still going with it, because I've already written fifteen thousand words, and I ain't going to start over. >>;

So, it's going to be a pretty interesting month. Yeah, yeah? And, then In either January of February, I get to do it all over again for my english class. It's going to be fun stuff. *loves to write*

Sick

2008-10-30T20:26:00.002-04:00

Oh, dear god. ><; The day before yesterday, I started coming down with something. It started out as a sore throat and general aches and pains. Now it's turned into something that has got my lungs in its virusy clutches. It's gotten harder to breath, and I keep breaking out into coughing fits. Though, what's kind of funny is when I speak and raise my pitch up a little bit, my voice goes incredibly squeaky. ^^; It's irksome, but makes me giggle at the same time. But, god, if the sickness doesn't go away soon I'm going to scream. ><; Halloween's tomorrow, and I'm going to be sick for it, and then the first day of NaNoWriMo is the day after that, and for the next month I'll be rapidly writing on that. Except with this damn sickness it's all I can do to actually get any work done on the computer. ><;;;

Anyway, I'm going to hobble off to finish on working on my website... I'm changing it back to freewebs, because Geocities has given me nothing but problems. =<

Betta Woes

2008-10-16T21:10:00.003-04:00

Goddamn, I swear the betta fish I have (Mizuno and Sashimi) are costing me an arm and a leg! I had to buy a tank separator because I got a bigger tank (that one didn't cost me nothing since it was my mom's) so they wouldn't you know fight and injure each other or worse, have babies. And, now I need to get a filter which costs a good 25, 30 bucks, and then a bubble maker thingeh mabob, which costs all in all around 20, 25. Gods, I swear.... I already spent so much on them in medication! Gods! I haven't gotten it yet, but man.... I dun wanna spend so much! @@;

But, they seem to love being in the tank (though I think they're both getting sexually frustrated due to the divider). They've been swimming around and chilling out happily most of the day, all like 'OMiGod! SPAAAAACE!!!'. Hehe, they're being cute. At the moment, my female betta is taunting my male, who's swimming back and forth to try and get through the barrier keeping them separate. It's kind of funny. x3 Such cute little guys.

Bart's

2008-10-14T18:46:00.002-04:00

Today's been a long day. After a weekend of catching up on sleep FINALLY, I couldn't sleep at all last night. I mean, I know I'm an insomniac, but this weekend I'd managed to sleep fine and dandy. I was so exhausted though, on Saturday and Sunday, that on Friday I slept for thirteen hours, and on Saturday for sixteen. But, then on Monday, after staying up all of that day and taking no naps, I didn't get a wink of sleep. So I am exhausted! School went by kinda blurish. ><;

But, today, aside from being very long was kinda sad. I went out to take pictures, and then I thought it was a good idea for me to go to Bart's for ice cream. Definitely a wrong move on my part. I didn't get sick or anything which sometimes happens when I eat ice cream, which I can say was pretty neat.

No, just when I got there memories assailed me. I remembered when I met my girlfriend there in person, since we had really met online. I remembered everything about it; the way things looked and smelled. What we got. My poor attempts at flirting. *chuckles* It was cold and wintery, but it was a great day.

I still go by the fact that she was the best thing that happened in my life, despite the pain. She taught a lot of things, and was a great friend and companion while she was here. She touched my heart in a way no one ever has, or no one ever will.

God, do I miss her.

Roller Coaster of Crazy

2008-10-12T23:00:00.002-04:00

Yeah, I haven't written in a while. It's a combination of being really, really busy, and being upset a lot. First on the busy note, though.

I've been busy mainly due to a whole lot of school work. School and school work take up most of my day. Then there's the college preparatory stuff. College prep. sucks majorly. I've been filling out forms (one of which is the common application, and it's taking forever and a day), and writing an essay for this whole college thing. And, all the college stuff and school stuff is SUPER important, because I need all the scholarships and grants and, well, money I can get, since my parents aren't supporting me in what I wanna do. Really putting a lot of stress on me. Plus the chores and the getting ragged for not having enough time and stuff. Oh, and then there's the senior project which I'm still trying to get my head around what the hell I NEED to have in it. ><;;;

Next thing, I've been upset a lot. Besides the superb amount of stress from school, I have a teacher who constantly glares and treats me like garbage during his classes. It's not very fun for me, especially when I'm working pretty dang hard to get all the school stuff going on.

My parents have been... less than kind during the past... while. Mom seems to have a stick shoved up her butt, and well, dad seems to share that stick very easily. I've been constantly getting ragged on by them.

My younger cousin is also having a hard time, and I heard she's cutting and going through some of what I'm going through. It's really sad, because I wouldn't wish sadness on anyone, and her boyfriend isn't being supportive. (I actually think that's normal and it makes me want to kill the boy). And, I'm the only one she can really talk to. And, it makes me sad, you know, because my cousin who I love to pieces is so cool, and she doesn't deserve any of the crap she's getting. =<

And, I guess the worst part is, is that I let myself fall freaking madly, head over heals in love with someone. We'd been fighting for a little bit, and some things were said that I don't ever want to be repeated. A lot of which I don't think I deserved. And, I'm still so in love with her, but she moved far away. But she didn't seem to care. It was really, really sad, and she stopped feeling love for anyone, really, even for her parents her love is muted. It's upsetting, and I'm just hoping that when she gets out of that, she'll still love me. It constantly breaks my heart, and I can't bear even thinking about what would happen if she didn't. I mean, if my heart feels so fucked up this way, it only will feel worse after.

And, I mean, at the beginning after she left, she'd said so many things. She was going to visit me on my birthday too and take a day off from work for it, but that never happened.... She said not to worry, and still... she was hurt.... And, it makes me sad, you know? I've been throwing myself into school because of the pain, refusing to let myself stop for a minute, but unable to not talk to her at the same time, though talking to her usually doesn't hurt so much. I refuse to look at the things that remind me of her, the ring she gave me, her art. When she sent me my birthday present, I started crying. That night, I gave myself an Asthma attack I was crying so hard from all of it. I know some might say that's pathetic, but I'm very hopelessly in love, so I really can't help it. =<

But, at least now we're talking more. I don't wanna loose her totally.

So, my life's been a bit.... wild recently. I haven't been blogging though, for those two reasons.

In other news, I'm planning on doing a 24 hour comic on 24 hour comic day (this Saturday). Wish me luck!

Wow

2008-09-19T11:49:00.002-04:00

It's been a busy life of senior year so far! It's like I am being taken on a roller coaster of crazy! @@; It's INSANE. I've had so much work, and so many projects, and then I'm going to be doing like six different clubs including Theater, Year Book, Novel Writing, NaNoWriMo, Anime Club and a few more I'm SURE I'm forgetting. Plus Senior project. Gods, it's been hell and fun at the same time.

My birthday's in less than a week; it's next Wednesday, and I'm not really caring about it. It's my eighteenth birthday, but it doesn't mean anything to me. Except that I might get to get a camera finally. That's about it. I really don't care. Nothing's going to be changing, nothing different. Besides the fact that I can vote. =\ I don't really care at the moment.

Uhm... I guess the only thing else going on besides the crazy, is stuff with my love. It's been really hard, and though I still love her with all my heart, she's not sure she does, and that makes me very sad. =< I hate feeling so sad because of it. So, I've been pushing myself more into the crazy. A lot more into the crazy.

Hmmm. I really freaking need to post more in this dumb thing! I've just been so crazy busy. x'D But, that's all for now. Gotta get back to class, even though I'm done with all the work. ^^;;;

Skul

2008-09-06T09:21:00.003-04:00

God, school's just started and we have SO MUCH WORK. @@; It's like, attack of the ready-annotate-journalneeding. @@; It's ebil. But, it means I get out of the house a lot, so I'm slightly happy. But, gods I miss my girly friend so much. ;A; See, she's okay with a lot of space and not seeing me, but I like crave seeing her so much. And, I feel bad when I miss her online. ;A; So, lately I haven't spent anytime on line with her at all, and it's dumb. ;A; *misses* Plus I can't see her in person. Except for near my birthday, which is coming up. If she comes, it'll be nice. I don't know if she will come or not. I told her not to unless she really wanted too, 'cause she lives so far away. >< I don't want her to waste the monies on gas. xP

Uhm... That's all I can think of right now to say. D: 'Cause I missy her at the moment, and am wanting to smack myself for being so stupid sometimes. Yeah, I know no one who reads this (which I don't think anyone does read) will know what I mean, but... This is mainly for me, 'cause I dun think anyone reads it so I just post a lot of crap. But, I like comments. I hads those before. *nods*

I'ma go off to do other things now. Like read....

@@;

2008-08-18T16:44:00.002-04:00

It's been a long... time since my last posts. God, I'm soooooooo tired. I haven't been sleeping much for the past month, and staying up until 5am just isn't that fun. And, even with taking Tylenol PM I can't get up earlier than one or I get really, really, really lethargic. Which sucks because tomorrow I gotta get up at eight for an appointment, and I have to work too. OTL So not gonna be fun. @@;

Also, every time I stand, I get really bad dizzy spells, and it irritates the fuck out of me. I just wanna fall down every time I get one, and when I'm at work it's the worst, because I'm all lethargic and not happy and stuff. Stupid body. I'll fix my sleep schedule soon enough, though. I have to. OTL;;;

On better news my room is CLEANish... I still have laundry to do, but that doens't happen until mom is gone, 'cause I need to use the drier and she won't let me. And, I HATE un-driered clothes, because they're all still and crap. *hates stiff clothes.* So, I've run up a rather large pile of needing to be washed clothes, because I've been holding off for weeks. >.>;;;

And, my meds are working, more or less!!! I don't get such wretched downs, and I can get angry and stuff. Tomorrow I'm gonna ask the doctor to up them again, and hopefully I'll be all happy and stuff.

And, uhm... I can afford my camera. Not the Cannon Rebel that I wanted, but a different one. A DSLR from Fujifilm... Anything will be better from the camera my parents are letting me use. xDD;;; It's a 2mega pixel digital. And, it's very, very old. So the image quality is deteriorating. ^^;;;

But, gods, I'm all filled with axiety and excitement. The new school year's starting soon. That means I get to be out of the house sooo much! I hate being with my parents all the time, and getting out for school will be pretty nice. I like school. You learn shit. And, do stuff. And, then you get free food, and can write and draw and stuff a lot. >.>; I'm a simple person in that respect. x'D;

WTH? o.O;

2008-08-08T16:52:00.002-04:00

I just watched the first episode of KHR, Katekyo Hitman Reborn. And, WTH? I wanted to see what all the fuss was but I'm so confused! x'D; My brain feels like it's about to implode. x'D; It's interesting, but wow... just wow. x'D;

Blugh

2008-08-07T22:49:00.003-04:00

Today hasn't been a good day. I caught a friend lying to me, and I HATE it when people lie to me no matter how little the lie is. Absolutely is the lowest of the low you can do to me. Another friend and I aren't really talking. I'm trying really hard to make it up to her, fixing the depressed person she used to see the past few months, and the constant leaning on her for support. But, it seems all I get met with is being pushed away constantly. And, it kinda sucks ass, especially when you're dealing with depression that's gotten really out of hand. But, I love her very much, and will keep working on it and hopefully she'll start talking to me again... I don't know though. =/ She kind of completely ranted to me one night about how bad I'd been being and how much I was hurting her. So, I don't know if she'll ever forgive me.

Another thing happened too. I came home and got on-line and got told that I was going to have to quit the collab that I was in.... I was really excited for this collaborative comic, but since I couldn't be online ever, I couldn't help plan the comic. So, I'm kind of really, really, REALLY bummed out about that. I understand, but I wish they would give me a week to get my internet back. But, well... Doesn't surprise me. Like Anime conventions, I've never gotten to be in a collab before. You see the last collab I was in they all quit and deleted the comic without telling me. This collab didn't work out either.

I guess the only good thing in my life right now is books. I've been reading a lot. I'm studying too, history of england and the early ages of that. It's... interesting. And, I'm learning lots on photography too.... It's sad... I had a life full of friends and stuff, and I ruined it, and now my life seems to have gone back to just books and more books.

Anyway, I'm gonna find a movie to watch to help me relax. It's gonna be a long night, and I don't think I'm getting any more sleep than I have been getting lately. AKA 1-3 hours a night. Ever since me and my friend fought I just can't sleep, I feel so bad... I really hope she forgives me.

But, anyway, ja ne, my no viewers. Remember, fish are friends, not food.

Hmmm

2008-08-06T22:03:00.002-04:00

Yeah, that last post.... Yeah... I guess I'm just sad and stuff. So I wrote a little. I didn't include so much of the pain. Oh well, eh? But being thrown across the room, or being slammed into swing sets while your tormentors hum ring around the rosie, kinda kills the faerie tale mood, eh?

Anyway, I kinda just wanted to write, so please, no one who reads this get mad at me? I have enough on my plate. Like my damn comic that I need to draw for. orz; And, my book which I need to continue editing. I've got 11 pages out of 208 done, though, pretty spiffy, ne? Just a little more.... >.>; I'm excited about that. And, school! I may not be allowed to take college classes this year (my dad's being an ass about it) but school means the end of my hellish summer! I hate the summer with a fiery burning passion. And, this was the worst one of my life. orz;

But, anyway. I gotta chin up again. Can't be sad. Gotta be positive. I'm gonna go and read. *nods* Yay...?

Once apon a Time

2008-08-06T22:01:00.001-04:00

Once upon a time there was a little girl. She was constantly hurt through one thing or another. Her mother and father were not together. And, she was scared and lonely. She didn’t want to choose one or the other. But she HAD to choose one or the other. It was always one thing or the other with this little girl since that. She had to be one person or the other. And, her life was then turned black and white with very little shades of gray.

She stayed with her mother for a long time. Her father had gotten violent one day, and had hurt her. He’d thrown her across the room, and that was it. His anger was enough for her. She left her dad then to live with her mom. Her mother was a good person, a very loving person. But she did not teach her little girl anything at all about life and emotions. The little girl’s emotions were strong too. The little girl only knew how to budget money and try and get out of living in a homeless shelter. She was only ten at the time, but she wanted to help and move into a real home.

The girl and her mother and her sister eventually did. They moved into a real home, or an apartment complex rather. They lived in a bad neighborhood with a lot of killing and drugs and stealing going on. It hurt the little girl very much to stay there. But, she said nothing.

This little girl was excited but scared to go to a new school. But, in that school she was an outcast. She had not learned much about living in the years before. And, so she was constantly picked on by everyone. Except for the teachers. The teacher thought this girl was very, very smart, and she was. This girl could do much more than most others could. She was very book smart. But, she did not understand people. She never learned.

She had no friends at that school, but soon once she had graduated elementary school and moved onto middle school, her lack of friends turned into no friends AND enemies. A lot of enemies. This little girl was a preteen or a teenager at the time. She was beat up and harassed constantly. Every day she would come home crying and wanting her mother to do something. Her mother did nothing about it—she probably couldn’t have done anything. Soon this child refused to go to school, and constantly was forced, and constantly went to the place in tears, knowing that she was just going for another day of hurt.

Her mother over the years had not done much. She had been more of a friend than the mother the little girl wanted. All the little girl wanted was someone to do what mothers did. And, though she loved her mother very much, she ended up lashing out at the woman and making herself hate herself and others more and more. She ended up being taken away from her mommy and put into the world of court and pain once again.

She ended up living at one foster home. She liked it there. But, the foster mother didn’t know this girl didn’t know anything about living. And, constantly lashed out because of it. The little girl hated it when that happened. Of course the little girl could do nothing. So she always went for walks.

Next they took her from this home, because this home was only temporary. After a month or two she was moved far away, to another home in the middle of the woods. There she was under an awful woman’s reign. The woman had no tolerance for the girl at all. The woman could only hurt her more, and constantly punish her for what she did wrong, even if she didn’t know she was doing something wrong. In this home she had gone to a new school. This time she knew what it was like to be a human being—she saw that in her foster sisters. She wished she could be like them and though she tried, she could never do it. It only ended up hurting her more.

Soon this foster mother because very, very angry with the girl, and the girl knew nothing of what to do back. She told someone and one day very soon after that when she was visiting with her father, she had been made to stay with him, not her foster mother any longer. She stayed with him now.

He was kind at first, and soon she came to like it there. She loved playing with the dogs. And, she loved very much to do everything else she could. Like read.

It was there she learned that she loved computers, and how much she loved to draw and write. Soon the courts gave her father custody of her, despite everything. And, she was happy.

She visited with her mother on the weekends, and loved spending time with her some of the time, and hated it others. Because she wanted a mother and not a friend like her mother was being. And, that was all that she had for friends: all of them were adults. That was all she could understand—she could understand being acquaintances with these people. But, she never knew anything else.

Soon she started back up at that middle school she had gone to before. The children were no different. But, she met her first real friend there. And, she grew very attached, because she had no one before that. Of course this didn’t end well. Soon she was going to a new school, a high school. She’d always dreamt about going to a real high-school. She’d always wanted to get grades like A’s and B’s, and be able to choose her classes.

But this high-school wasn’t like that at all. This high-school wasn’t the best high-school. In fact, her first week there the school hadn’t been built, so they went to a farm. That wasn’t very fun, because you see the child, who was now a teenage, had no tolerance to the heat. But she made it through. Only to find that she didn’t have choices on her classes, and she didn’t have A’s and B’s as a grade. She was horrified at this, but kept plugging and chugging. She guessed that this meant that she was going to have to wait for college.

Soon that one friend she had stopped keeping promises to her. She would tell her one thing and then do something else. Every time she had said she would meet her, she would either bring someone else, or just not come all together. This hurt the girl and eventually she couldn’t take it anymore and she stopped hanging out with her. Her parents hated that friend anyway. And, they never did like her seeing her.

But she had made a new friend in the high-school she went to. A few new friends. All but one never really hung out with her after school, so she was kind of sad even with the new friends. This was acquaintances again.

It wasn’t long until they had to move and the girl got very sick. She had to stay in bed until they were all moved, though her parents were furious for her not helping ever. She had tried, but she just couldn’t’ manage it. But, though she missed her old house very much, she didn’t mind the one they moved to. It was an okay house, and she got to paint her walls blue. Though the paint never seemed to stay on the doors or window-sills.

It was around this time that her father and step-mother started getting very angry, and her father became very abusive towards her. But, she managed to hold on.

When she was sixteen her mother died. She felt so guilty because she had not seen her as much as she could have, it broke her heart so badly. They still haven’t had a funeral for the woman even a year afterwards.

Her depression greatly increased after her mother’s passing as she realized how her life was going downhill. She felt alone in the world, and was always hurting. It always was a distant ache in her stomach because of the depression. And, nothing helped.

Soon she met a friend. This friend changed her life and she fell very much in love with this friend. The friend loved her back. The friend saw how much her life had been bad, and told her she could come and stay with her. But, the friend’s mother said no. She only saw how many problems the girl had, and not how much moving would help to fix them. The girl got very upset, but she couldn’t help but be. She never got to see her friend any more, and it broke her heart very much. She missed her love very much. But, she also caused problems for this friend because she was sad a lot. She didn’t know how she was acting, because she never truly learned how to act with people. Some people say that you can choose this or not, but she really couldn’t.

Her friend finally snapped at her and told her things that were very mean, but true as well. The girl didn’t know what to do, but she knew she had to fix herself. She didn’t know how but she was going to try. Because the friend meant so much to her, she couldn’t help but try. From then on she hid the sadness from her friend which tore her inside and out. Her depression had greatly increased since before her friend had said these things so that dull ache she had before was more like a sharp throb. So it was no wonder that friend got fed up with her. But, she would change and ignore these things because maybe if she ignored them people would stop hating her and start to like her. So, she sucked it up, focusing only on what she liked. It kind of worked. She got new medication that would hopefully fix some of her mood issues, and she knew she had to go find how to deal with people, but she was too afraid. So, now this girl is almost an adult. She has no idea where to go with her life, but only that she needs to keep going.

Lonely and Sick

2008-07-21T19:08:00.001-04:00

Ulk. So I got sick again. And, I don't like being sick. v.v Every time I move I get wicked light headed and dizzy. Hell, if I move my eyes, the same thing happens. >.<>.<; It's annoying as all hell. Calling out of work today was an interesting experience but I think I'll post something on that later. >.<

Lately though, I've been wicked lonely and wicked depressed. Between missing my best friend and missing my mother I can't really concentrate to do much fun, and I suppose it's my fault that I'm lonely, because I can never get up the courage to talk to people, and I'm really bad at conversations anyway so whenever I DO talk to people, everything I talk about ends up kinda... dead.... And, it really sucks being able to watch other people do it and not have a problem and laughing and smiling and stuff and not being able to myself. And, not being talked to at all by a lot of the people I used to get talked to by. It's just all sorta... Boiling up again.

Right now my life pretty much revolves around work, not sleeping, since I can't seem to sleep well at all anymore, and my computer in hopes that I can find something to make me happy on it and in hopes that I can talk to one of my friends on it... There's pretty much nothing in it anymore.... It kinda sucks, you know?

So I'm lonely and sick of hearing about how great everyone else is doing and how much fun or how cool something they're doing is, or shit like that because it just reminds me of how my life isn't and how I try to make it and how I fail at making it....

Okay...
...
Rant over......

God

2008-07-21T01:19:00.001-04:00

That last post was kinda... confusing with how it was written. x'D; Just had to say I noticed that.... *fails at writing when sad*

Changing is Hard

2008-07-21T00:58:00.000-04:00

It really is. After I talked it out with the harsh friend, I decided to try changing... because people were seeing me as immature and childish with my emotions, and I knew I was selfish with my wants, and I hurt the person who means the most to me with my selfishness. And, so, I'm trying to change. The problem is change isn't easy. and I can't help but be selfish because I want to see her so badly, and I want her to be with me. And, she's far away, and she can't. But, shutting up from that selfishness, shutting up the nasty thoughts of mine that judges action to have multiple meanings.... it's really, really hard.... and it hurts worse than one could think.... But if it makes people happier, and makes those I care about hurt less I guess it's okay....

Yeah, I know that's probably random as fuck... But, oh well... My thoughts are muddled right now, and I'm trying really hard to stay changed, and not be upset, or sad, to not be so childish about things. 'Cause I really am childish with sadness... I can't hold it in as much as normal people... I can't force myself not to feel so much of it like normal people can....

Though, this is kinda how I feel.... The song, 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' captures it very well...

"Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit lonely and youre never coming round
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart

Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit helpless and Im lying like a child in your arms
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know Ive got to get out and cry
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes
Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if youll only hold me tight
Well be holding on forever
And well only be making it right
Cause well never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I dont know what to do and Im always in the dark
Were living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forevers gonna start tonight
Forevers gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now Im only falling apart
Theres nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now theres only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround, every now and then I know youll never be the boy you always wanted to be
Turnaround, but every now and then I know youll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am
Turnaround, every now and then I know theres no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you
Turnaround, every now and then I know theres nothing any better and theres nothing I just wouldnt do
Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if youll only hold me tight
Well be holding on forever
And well only be making it right
Cause well never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I dont know what to do and Im always in the dark
Were living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forevers gonna start tonight
Forevers gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now Im only falling apart
Nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now theres only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart"

So... That's pretty much how I've been feeling lately. There's been a lot of pain lately, and I guess I'm starting to understand how to handle it.... *nods* Change isn't easy, but I'm working hard on it, and I might be doing good... I don't know.... v.v;

What a day and it's not even over yet....

2008-07-18T17:14:00.000-04:00

So, today's been a long day, and I have been awake only for about five hours of it....

It's been pretty horrible because I've been thinking a lot of my mother dying and stuff... .then I got in a fight with my best friend. I was trying to tell her something important, and i was being pessimistic and stuff, and she got angry because when she gets sad, she gets angry.... And, my pessimism bothers her..... So she left and now I'm really lonely....

I also have a tendency to scratch myself when I'm really really upset to calm myself down, and I ended up taking off a layer or two of skin on half of my leg beneath the knee, which pisses me off because all the skin is flaking really bad and I hate it when skin flakes right now.

I really wish I had someone with me right now, to talk to and hug me and to tell me that it will be alright. I really need to find someone who wouldn't mind me not being able to love them, but giving me love and hugs anyway....

And, my day kinda fell apart, because my life tends to do that. I wasn't able to get my check, and I wasn't able to go shopping for books like I wanted. but it doesn't really matter, 'cause I don't mind so much. I was just hoping to take my mind off the loneliness.

I hope the rest of the day goes better.... might right a little later. But for now.... tootles.

Edit: It doesn't look like it's going any better. My heart feels like it's breaking, and I ended up talking to another person I knew, who put everything I feared into words. At least now I don't have to worry whether I'm doing such things or not, because I know I am. Also, he told me every thing tha tI knew and really put it to me hard. Tough love I guess. Maybe I'll be come a better person from it. Who knows.

Website

2008-07-17T23:58:00.000-04:00

After hours upon hours of hard work, I finally finished the basics of my website. I know it's not great, but it's done, and that is all that matters to me right now. Here it be: http://geocities.com/yamino.artisticdomain/

Lonely

2008-07-17T21:51:00.000-04:00

I guess I could talk about my long, long day doing orders and shit for Mc Donalds, but there'd be pretty much nothing to talk about. It went by, nothing outstanding sticking out really. Long and boring.

I finally got home about an hour ago... I did some photography... It was fun-ish, but I'm so sick of having a cruddy camera. REALLY sick of it. I want to adjust aperture and be able to take pictures without using flash that come out clear. And, it pisses me off that I can't do it. I wanted to do some painting with light, because I enjoy that, but it's just blegh, 'cause I can't get the speed of the lens down which sucks. I can't wait to get my camera. Tomorrow I'm getting my pay check for eight and a half hours of work. And, next week I got twenty-ish. So, hopefully by the end of the summer I will have my lovely Cannon Rebel EOS Digital SLR camera. *crosses fingers*

But, right now I'm just very down. I feel like no one really cares about me. I mean it seems my parents only care about their selves. Dad's always working on his motorcycle and fixing that up so it runs, and before that he was always in video game world. Mom usually is writing something or another on the computer, or being PMSy it seems. I never really have anyone try to hang out with me. Sometimes I get calls, which are few and far between and most from my sister. I have no one trying to plan things with me. And, I guess it's probably bad of me to judge on this, I have friends writing blogs about other people, their friends, and stuff, and no one ever writes blogs about me.... even if we spend a lot of awesome time together. It's kinda discouraging and saddening....

And, I guess the only one I can really love and spend time with is my fish... And he doesn't like me going too near to his tank.... I really wanted to get something that I could hold and stuff, but my parents said no. They said it was because I don't take care of my cat. Which I do, I just don't brush her very often, so she gets matted sometimes. But, I don't brush her or pet her as much as I should because I'm really, really allergic to her. So, I just can't do it physically. v.v Which is really sad, but I still love my fish. I fixed part of Mizuno's problem today too.... I figured out he saw his reflection in the plastic of the tank, and kept trying to attack it because he's a beta fish and that's what they do--attack other beta fish. So I put some white paper on half his tank, so he doesn't see the reflection as much. So he should be happier.

But, I'm very lonely. And, I miss one of my friends a really, really lot.... She recently moved back to her home in New York after attending college near where I am. but, since she moved back, we've only gotten to talk online, and that's getting more and more rare, since she has a life, and I have a job. And, that's really sad, because I miss her so much. I keep crying myself to sleep.

Also, my mom died exactly a year ago come tomorrow. And, I miss her a lot too. I miss going out on weekends with her, and I miss her calling. And, I really wish I paid more attention to her, and I'm sad that I didn't. And, the last time I saw her I had to leave early, because I was doing something with a friend who never showed up... And, well.... She looked so sad. So very, very sad, when I left. And, wish I could just take it back, but I can't. I miss my mommy so much. I'm sick of loosing things that are important to me. My mother, my best friend. And, I guess I'm just heartbroken now because it's all creeping up on me.....

I might not write anything tomorrow. But, at least cyberspace shall know why, eh?

Long Day

2008-07-16T20:53:00.000-04:00

Today's been a looooooong day. @@; I've been at work for six hours, and that went okay. I mean it was my first day off of training, and I still had a lot of problems and made a lot of mistakes, but other than than things went pretty smoothly. There were a few amazing customers, who made me laugh, and they made the day so much better. Though, there were also a few who pissed me off so bad, I just wanted to scream. >.< I really hate it when people don't speak right so when I type in their order, I get it wrong from what they meant. I wanted to smack a few of them. Including this lady who's order I screwed up, though I forgive her because she was all like 'Oh, it's alright, I mean this is Mc Donald's. There are people who've been here for three years and still can't get my order right" which was kind of a nice thing. Reassuring. But, in the middle of my shift it got really, really boring, and I had stocked everything and swept and shit, and I was just bored and like 'where're all the people? I want people!'. Of course that was when a full school bus of kids came in... Wow it was busy then. x'D Fun though. Other than that, and confusing fifty dollar bills for twenties (I NEED contacts or glasses, but the eye doctor won't give me any prescription higher than the one I got, which doesn't do shit) and trying the 'sweet tea' (which is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING, by the way, though get unsweetened if you don't like boatloads of sugar in your tea xD) it was an okay day.

Once I got home, I spent about an hour organizing the kitchen because my parents had it in shambles. Then I organized a table in the living room, and most of the 'sideboard', this shelf thing in the dining room, which has nine kinds of shit on it. And, now my allergies are giving me shit loads of problems. >.<>.< But, I haven't really had the time of the memory.

And, Mizuno seems to be doing a little iffy... he won't eat. D= And, he keeps spitting up stuff. ;_; I really hope that he's okay. I cleaned his tank right after all of the cleaning and stuff, so it's less foggy than it had been (though I just put water in the tank yesterday, so I dunno why it's so foggy all of a sudden). I really hope that helps him, because I love him muchly. We bond. And, though he may give me the fishy finger every now and then, like when I put him in a little cup when I cleaned his tank, he's a good fish. Maybe he needs more light... he is on a dark shelf......

But anyway, that's it for today's adventures. I got work tomorrow and an appointment right after, so my day's looking like I'll be gone from 11.30 am to 9.00 pm. I'll probably die right after that and cling to my blankets and bed and sleep. -w-;

Mizuno

2008-07-16T00:43:00.000-04:00

Well, it is the first entry of my blog, so I figure I might as well start it off with a bang. I've been wanting a pet for a while now, really wanting something I could just hang out with. I have a cat, but I'm allergic to her, so hanging out would really always end up in sneezing, ichy throat, ears, nose and eyes, and a nose that wants to run away to Manhattan. And, I don't like that so much, so it gets really bad. So, I finally got a fish. That's right, a Fish. No fur, you see my logic?

He's a real cute fishie, a Beta, male, and really pretty blue. I got everything I need for him. I just hope he lives long enough to need it. ^^;;; I have really bad luck with fish. Never bring a gold fish near me, it will belly up on sight. ^^;;; I'm hoping my Mizuno, that's his name, will last a long time, 'cause I've already grown attached to the little guy. I'm wicked happy to have him. ^^ I wanted to get a hamster, but I'm not allowed. ^^; Yes, I still live with my parents, fancy that. >.<; But, my Mizuno is doing okay. He's begging for food right now. It's kinda cute. Though I can't give him any right now, lest he be overfed.

Anyway, aside from my beautiful Beta, it's been a long and hot day. I wish it was winter again. Snow, how I miss thee. I'm one of those rare people who like the winter. I don't like shoveling, but I like the winter. The main reason is because I get really sick in the heat, and it's cold in the winter, so I get sick with only colds and such. Which is a bit better than IBS I think, because IBS just sucks ass, lemme tell you. @@;

Anyway... It's getting late and I need to get to work tomorrow. Tata~